I went to bed last night on approximately the hundredth day of lockdown, I said to myself that I would wake up this morning and be productive.
And then it was this morning, and I woke up and couldn’t feel less enthused about anything.
As lockdown goes on I feel myself slipping more and more into my little pit of slug. The place where time carries on but I’m ten steps behind. Sluggishly moving along, trying to keep up but with little to no motivation to do so. The slug pit.
At the beginning of all this I was on top of my game – work was slow but I was inspired to take that extra time to try new things, sort out the house, read. But now, now I find myself in a vicious cycle of not wanting to do anything and then beating myself up for it. It’s not human nature to just stop. We thrive on having structure and purpose, but for so many of us that’s been stripped away. And we’re left with the uncertainty of an unprecedented shut down of the world.
Without things to look forward to, the days seem to merge, and time feels like a sludgy treacle to wade through whilst simultaneously whizzing past. We’re seven months into the year and what do I have to show for it?
I so badly want to dig into the depths of my passions, feel that burn and desire to take this time to create new paths for my future. But the get up and go is sit down and stop.
I do believe, I do know that it will get better. That brighter days are coming and that someday soon we are all going to feel so much more fulfilled.
When we eventually get back to some kind of normality I’m hopeful for how much more I will appreciate the little things in life. I know I will never take hugs for granted again. Or popping into a loved ones for a cup of tea. I’ll look forward to not having terrible hay fever from having to sit in people’s gardens. I’ll be forever grateful to my doggies, who have undoubtedly been a pillar of support and gusto without even knowing it. I’ll travel less and write more. I’ll continue to grow vegetables in my garden and feel so lucky for that space. Difficult conversations will still be difficult, but they’ll be worth the struggle because time is precious.
And I will try my best to continue to believe in myself. Because even though right now I’m in the slump, the slug pit, I’m still here. I’m still putting one foot slowly in front of the other to get through each day. To simply wake up in survival mode each morning can be enough for right now.
Let this post serve as a reminder to both you and I, that no matter what is going on in the world, no matter how ‘good’ we might have it; our sadness, our pain, our struggles, they are still valid. We are allowed to feel how we feel. And in allowing that, hopefully we can appreciate the up days that little bit more.
We’ve got this.
All my love,
Photography by Alexandra Cameron (taken in 2019)